Infanticide, Jim Halpert, and Cabinet Genetics

Infanticide can occur in animal groups when a new dominant male takes a leadership position that grants him the ability to make sweet love to any young lady of his choice. In this instance, newly minted alpha males entering a foreign group will attempt to kill some or all of the infants/toddlers who were fathered by the old alpha male. This is thought to happen for two main reasons: 1) it will restart the mother's reproductive cycle and ensures she's ready to have sex with the new guy right away 2) the ex-alpha male's genes don't survive for another generation.

Infanticide Fail!


In evolutionary terms, a regular change in group leadership most often keeps the group quite fit. You don't want old busted genes floating around your gene pool, and the constant competition for the seat at the top, which gets one pleasured beyond his wildest chimpish dreams, is much like a lifelong presidential campaign that is designed to ensure that the guy or gal in charge is genetically competent.

In many species of primates and even African lions, a change of leadership within a group usually means the prior dominant male or female was too old, too sick, or simply outmatched by a stronger rival. But before you get all Barry Bonderful and start 'roiding your way to social success, know that brute size and strength does not guarantee a male attains or holds an alpha rung on the social ladder. In chimps especially, males must possess political acumen and social brains that can build friendships, alliances, and learn patience and political timing.



This the Halpertian Model of Social Dominance, named for Jim Halpert from "The Office" who successfully gains reproductive access to the widely pursued Pam Beasley utilizing three grueling years of witty inside jokes, warm emotional empathy, a garnered respect from rivals and effective friendship with nearly everyone within his group. Least important, though still necessary, was his ability to withstand the crushing physical blows of ousted alpha male and ex-fiancee Roy Anderson. (Though the writers will undoubtedly introduce another suitor or obstacle for Jim to overcome to keep his sexual access to Pam... but it keeps the storyline alive, and Jim will undoubtedly triumph in the end -- the public always enjoys the success of Halpertian model males. They're just really "good guys," you know?)

Because all American Presidents must rely on their political skill --not brute strength-- to rise to power, they can all be seen as Halpertian Males. Even Presidents like Andrew Jackson who dueled 13 times and likely killed more men on his own than any American President in history spent the overwhelming majority of his time and energy building coalitions and strategically garnering influence to rise to power.

The American government is based on frequent changes in leadership-- the only difference is access to political and economic power instead of mates (though for a few it was both). The framers of the Constitution believed such steady change would be "healthy" for the state.

So does that mean our Halpertian alpha male presidents practice infanticide when they first take control -- even though they got they're such "nice guys"??

Absolutely.

Presidential infanticide goes beyond an administration's tendency to surround the president with people from his own party. Even when the president brings in members of the opposite party to cabinet power, like Clinton did with Republican Bill Cohen as Secretary of Defense in 1996, they are still usually "genetic mutants" within their own party that share a good deal of political genes with sitting alpha male. For instance, Mr. Cohen was a centrist Republican heavily involved in Nixon's Watergate investigation and was liberal on most social issues.

The best recent example of a classic political infanticide is President Reagan's transition from Jimmy Carter's administration. He cleaned out every last speck of Carter and swept an entirely new group of cabinet members into the White House just as most non-incumbent parties had done previously. When access to the seductive wombs of power and money was involved, alpha Reagan took few chances at political cuckoldry and wasted no time killing off the political toddlers leftover from the previous administration. What a swell guy....



Such clean sweeps however, are rare in most primate groups. When an alpha male comes to power after replacing a close relative (who is a close genetic match) such as a brother or father, he is highly unlikely to engage in full scale infanticide.

A good example this in presidential terms is President H.W. Bush's takeover after the Reagan administration. H.W. Bush kept many of Reagan's cabinet members including Elizabeth Dole and James A. Baker. Bush was the closest progeny of President Reagan, and group members like Dole and Baker were directly related political siblings.

So what about poor Cheney, Rice, and the rest of George W. Bush's political progeny? The political life expectancy for any of W. Bush's ideological offspring is probably one of the lowest in American history. And though Barack Obama has promised to bring in Republicans like Chuck Hagel and Dick Lugar to his 2008 cabinet should he win the presidency, rest assured these Republicans have earned such favor with alpha Obama by sharing genes with him on specific issues like the war in Iraq, and more importantly, straying quite far from Bush's pack of genetic retards during the unhappy 2004 and 2006 mating seasons.